I am sitting beside the largest swimming pool I have ever seen in my life. I am wearing a white bikini and I am looking at my parents and my brother and sister who all invite me in the water. I don’t know if I am born conservative or just simply wise but I am debating to move forward and I can’t make a decision of either jumping in the water or simply holding my mom’s hands tight. As I am feeling the excitement and fear, my dad holds me and throws me in the middle of the pool. I am there floating on the water extremely happy for finally being there and the whole family come close and kiss me and give me so much love for my great! effort.
It is 30 May 2016. I am sitting on our lovely couch and I am looking at the beautiful sunshine glorifying our plants. I can easily claim that I have been daydreaming. I have recently travelled to Iran and passed by the house where I have spent the first three years of my life in. It is demolished and converted into a 6 floor building but as I was looking at the new building the old memories flashed back in a couple of seconds. I don’t know why no one told me to pursue a career which requires an extremely powerful memory! I have a clear vision of my life from early days to recent moments. I remember everything crystal clear as it has happened yesterday. I still feel the excitement and the fresh water on my body at the age of 2. It is amazing to feel the experience you have had years ago before you even knew the word “experience”.
Now that I have quit the career which didn’t represent me after years and years of studying and constant efforts, I am reminded of my old me on a regular basis. I was reviewing a chapter of my course which best describes where I am standing now. I haven’t only quit an occupation, I have quit a belief system, a way of living and a part of myself I have been with for so long. I am disowning a socially acceptable, comfortable and familiar identity.
If I want to compare my situation now to what I have been daydreaming of, I am on the same boat with that little girl who was hesitant to take an action. 30 years after that little moment of doubt I am experiencing the same doubt and fear within me. What is next? Where should I jump? Is this an empty pool where I can hurt myself or is it simply filled with fresh water? Is there anyone supporting me if I am hurt or I am just all alone in this?
At age 32 I feel like a child again as I am creating a new adventure for myself. Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely proud of my journey so far. I have worked so hard to be where I am today and I cherish every single moment of it. The decisions I took were all correct at the time but everything has an expiry date and so do our routines. I am thrilled to make a change. When you are 32 you have probaly built a life. Let it be working professionally, owning a house, a car, a marriage or different experiences, I have had it all. So I guess I am an adult now;) but my inner child is still screaming from somewhere. It is telling me not to stop discovering and not to stop exploring. I am back to my old days of possibilities. I am an observant again. I don’t want milestones anymore. I am back to my old days as a beginner to take mini mini steps to move forward. I am going deep down to find my fire and I am becoming the old me as I am searching for that trigger to light me up. I don’t want that routine life of mine anymore, I just want to wander, I just want to see, and I want to allow my intutions to lead me in this process. I am anxious exactly like when I wanted to go in the water and I know this time that no one is going to throw me in the middle of the pool and I don’t have any swim vest to prevent me from drowning and I can’t rely on others to support me when I am fragile. I know that I am all alone in jumping, in floating, in finding my way out and in motivating myself. And as I feel the fear over my body I cannot deny the amazing joy and freedom of being there in the middle of it all.
I am optimistic about the future.